War Type Stuff

The dumb man's guide to the wars of American history

A chronological situation:

Approx 1492: Chris Columbus sails the ocean blue and starts a bunch of spats with the native americans. He was going to lose but then he came up with the amazing idea of measles.

Later in the 1600s: All the English Puritans and Plymouth people go to Massachusetts and Virginia and fight with the native americans, until the first thanksgiving where they eat a MASSIVE turkey and have some cranberry gelatin sauce.

French and Indian War: British and French fought over the Ohio River valley and get the natives involved. But for real people... who the heck wants OHIO? The only interesting thing in Ohio is.... wait I can't come up with anything

American Revolution:

  • Americans have to pay lots of money dollars for the French and Indian War which really pisses them off

  • Stamp Act and other stupid taxes: Britain has a massive inferiority complex and also is majorly broke so they decide to tax the colonists

  • Boston Tea Party: the colonist are mad about the taxes so they engage in an act of cultural appropriation and chuck a crap ton of tea off of the boats

  • Our boy Tommy Jefferson declares independence from Britain

  • ***Imagine the entire plot of Hamilton****

  • The british fight the americans and get really annoyed that the americans aren't losing as fast as they thought they were going to

  • The French see that the Americans don't suck so they give them GUNS AND SHIPS AND SO THE BALANCE SHIFTS

  • THE BATTLE OF YORKTOWN: the Americans win.

Revolution of 1800: a. ham. totally screws over a. burr. and tommy jeffy becomes the next prez of the new nation. Unfortunately A. Ham. dies because A. Burr. shot him in the face

Quasi War w/ France c. 1790 something: the XYZ Affair with Xavier, Yoshiva and Zeke, happens and the French majorly insult the Americans and there's something called impressment

War of 1812: The British commit an act of arson (my crime of choice!!!) and burn down the white house, but don't worry guys... the portrait of good ol' Georgie Washy doesn't burn because of Dolly Madison. They also create the national anthem during this war and o' say can you see, the sight of the US totally embarrassed when they get nothing out of "winning" the war

Mexican War: James Polk does some sketchy shiz with his bff Zachary Taylor and they acquire Texas from Mexico

Civil War:

  • America has been low key pretty racist since it started, and then the north started to call out the south for still having slavery

  • When Abe Lincs became president, the south said f it and seceded from the union and became the confederacy.

  • Unfortunately the south wasn't good enough so they lost and a lot of people died. Big sad.

  • Slavery was ended and African Americans got more rights. Big Happy.

  • Abe Lincs got shot in a theater. Big sad.

Spanish American War: the Americans run around screaming with their heads chopped off that Spain sunk the USS Maine which prob didn't reaaaaallly happen; after the US wins, they get a really big ego boost and decide its a good idea to be imperial powers-- which the Filipinos low key hate

World War I:

  • US decides that because they are now a bigwig hotshot imperial power that they can intervene in everyone elses problems

  • They give money and support to the Allied powers and when "OH MY GOD" the Germans attack their ships the Americans get pissed off

  • Bobby Zimmerman sends a telegram that gets intercepted and the US loses their cool and joins the war

  • After the US enters, the Allied powers sweep the floor with Germany and his best buds

  • Woodrow Wilson has 14 awesome points but maybe he should've come up with 23 points because no one cares about them

World War II:

  • After losing all their money in the stock market the Americans need a war to up their money supplies

  • The Japanese attack Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, and FDR (cannot stand up) but tells the nation the day will live in infamy. No offense but the day is over sooooooo.... mans gotta check his logic.

  • To end the war with Japan that is stupid complicated the US comes up with a genius idea to bomb Hiroshima and Nagasaki

  • Albert Einstein and all these nerdy physicists come up with the atomic bomb. They were pretty smart so I wonder why they thought it was a good idea. Anyway, so many people died because of it, and people are still pissed off about it.

Cold War:

  • Both the US and Russia have ego issues. They are children.

  • They both play with toy rocket ships that they race to the moon. Spoiler alert: the US gets there first and there is one MASSIVE leap for mankind and a tiny little step for toy kind.

  • JFK decides its a good idea to invade Cuba with the Bay of Pigs invasion because he secretly wanted to own Cuba so he could have a place for all his mistresses. Oh and to not make it communist.

  • Theres a thing called the Cuban Missile Crisis and a little boat with nuclear weapons speeds a little too close to Florida. But don't worry guys, JFK fixed it. Then he also got shot. Big sad.

Korean War: US thinks they have to contain communism; they lose and nothing really comes of the war; as a result, Kim Jong Un now rules north korea even though he is entirely too fat to

Vietnam:

  • As Forrest Gump says, Vietnam = NAM

  • People thought the war was a big stupid and hippies on all kinds of really awesome... I mean bad.... drugs protested at woodstock and in DC

  • The US also pretty much lost the war but to save face left Vietnam to deal with itself-- and then it fell to communism

Persian Gulf War: Suddam Hussein went a little awol and invaded Kuwait which really angered the rest of the world so then they fought for a while in Iraq and Kuwait and stuff

War on Terror: Americans now required to take off their shoes for TSA


Hopefully there will be no more wars!!